“Bill, Dahlink …” “Sweet Jayne …”

Posted by landthatilovenovel.

The collaboration between

British-educated editor Jayne Southern and

American-educated author William Freedman.

Some of this might find its way into another book.

But, ultimately, they were all consumed by the fireball.

[JS1]Why ‘But ultimately…’?

[WF1]Narrative voice. This documentarian, I hope, speaks consistently as a Domestic academic writing a broad-readership history of the American war. He should sound a little arch.

“Exactly, Mister President,” Thierstein said, her shag mop of frosted hair nodding much more vigorously than her chin.

[JS1]Does shag have the same connotations in the US as in UK, SA, NZ and Oz? I can’t describe what it conjures in my mind!

Having read your cover sheet – I know it is deliberate…

[WF1]Actually, it means something different in the States, and relates to coiffure. We are, of course, familiar with the British definition. BTW, do I make you horny? Yeah, baby! Oh, behave! Follow this link… http://www.google.com/search?q=george+w+bush+dr+evil+impression&rls=com.microsoft:en-us&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&startIndex=&startPage=1

[JS2]NO – DEFINITELY NOT HORNY. HAVE AN IMAGINATION THAT DEFIES IMAGINATION, SOMETIMES … HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR NAME TO MIKE? (MEYERS)

[JS3]SHAKING? BOBBING? MOVING? CHINS CAN’T NOD

This was known as the Oops Doctrine .

[JS1]You must have had so much fun writing this

[WF2]This was an idea that was rolling around my brain since I got back from the Middle East in ’91.

“Still trying to figure that one out, Zig,” Daytrader said as he took squinty aim, banked one off the paper roll of his antique adding machine, watched it carom off the far wall, drop onto the rim of the trash can for an agonizing second, then fall to the carpet.

[JS1]Do you play billiards/pool?

[WF2]Billiards? Is that some sort of game? Perhaps you could teach me to play sometime.

[JS2] SORRY. EXCORIATING CRIBBAGE OR STRIP SCRABBLE ONLY. WITH HISSELF.

“So it’s on,” Steve said, then read Croupier’s face. “I didn’t hear it from you, luv.

[JS1]This sounds more representative of a Brit. English expression than USA.

[WF2]That’s because y’all talk like our homos.

[JS2]THE HELL WE DO, LUVVY

[WF3]The hell you don’t. And dress like’em too.

[JS3]YOUR FASHIONISTAS …

Croupier’s job was prestigious but low-paying and Steve’s was quite the opposite. He was a judge.

[JS1]Oi! Son & Heir No 2i s a solicitor!

[WF2]In the States, “solicitor” means prostitute. Don’t. It’s too easy.

[JS1]THERE ARE THOSE WHO INTIMATE THAT LAWYERS ARE PIMPS AND PROTITUTES. ‘COURSE WHEN ONE’S SON IS AN ENVIRONMENTAL ADVOCATE, ONE MIGHT DISAGREE.

The best martini of Griff Croupier’s life was followed by the worst sex.

[JS1]Damn those Harvey Ballhangers…

[WF2]Oversharing a tad?

[JS2]UM … NO. DON’T LIKE THEM – TOO SWEET. NOW A FINE WINE …

We will astonish the enemy in his home. We will astonish him in the street. We will astonish him in the market. Night after night and day after day, we will rain stupefaction down from the heavens.

[JS1]Winston would be proud of you…

[WF2]Thanks. I like to think the old man would get more than a few chuckles out of this book.

As part of their battle dress uniform, they were all issued bright red tunics.

[JS1]Obligatory, so the opposition can pick you off, with ease.

The Brits were sitting (red) ducks in SA because of the re, wool (hot!) uniforms and called ‘rooinek” because of their

Sunburned necks.

[WF2]So there’s historical precedence for this Star Trek reference?

[JS2]WITHOUT DOUBT

Coder jumped out of the transport at one thousand meters , his descent slowed by jetpack.

[JS1]USA uses feet/yards

[WF2]Actually, it’s my intention that the Americans use their traditional measures while the Domestics use the metric system.

[JS2]OH THE PROOF READERS WILL LOVE THAT! KEEPING TRACK OF WHO IS WHERE …

“…The French were called … um, Lucky, what was it the French were called?”

“Pussy.”

[JS1]Rather than frogs?

[WF2]Speaking of frogs, it has been said that the analysis of humor is like the dissection of a frog. You can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.

[JS2]VERY DROLL.

“Sir, um, the zipper goes in front.”

[JS1]the president blonde?

[WF2]This is a reference to that scene when Bush landed on the aircraft carrier in a flight suit so that he could give that ridiculous speech in front of a banner that read, “Mission Accomplished”. In 2003.

[JS2]DOESN’T MATTER TO WHAT IT REFERS – IT IS FUNNY. LIKE THE STORY OF THE BLONDE WHO RETURNS TO HER CAR , PHONES THE POLICE TO COMPLAIN THAT SOMEONE HAS STOLEN HER STEERING WHEEL. THEN REALISES SHE IS IN THE REAR SEAT.

“Fuck,” a disheveled President Watts Barber said and fling his mobile phone into Meiss Lake. It skipped four times before finally sinking a quarter mile out.

Arsenio knew it meant trouble when he used that euphemism.

[JS1]Expletive? Am I missing a joke? Euphemism for what?

[WF2] Hundreds of years from now “fuck” will be as innocuous as “zounds” is today.

[JS2]DEPENDS ON THE EMOTION OR INTENT BEHIND IT. SOMETIMES IT IS THE ONLY WORD THAT WILL DO … WHETHER IT IS RUDE, FUNNY, SARCASTIC, WHATEVER. I’LL FORWARD AN HILARIOUS RECORDING ABOUT THE WORD FUCK. WHAT IS IT A EUPHEMISM FOR?

[WF3]If you weren’t married and 10,000 miles away, I’d demonstrate. So we’ll just have to leave it to the reader’s imagination.

[JS3]HAH! YOU CAN’T THINK OF ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS IT!

[WF4]Please leave it be. It’s a conscious choice.

[JS4]This is still incorrect –a euphemism is a substitute for something else – so what is ‘fuck’ a substitute for?

[WF5]I know it’s incorrect. It’s supposed to be incorrect. It’s a JOKE, darling. Please trust me on this. The word choice is intentional and in support of the humor.

…flushed their toilets simultaneously at 0445 Mountain Time today….

[JS1]Lavatories is so much more couth…

[WF2]And … your point is …?

[JS2]WHATEVER THE CURRENT IDIOM IT WAS DRUMMED INTO ME THAT THE WORD IS LAVATORY!

“We’re all fighting the same bunch of gonifs[JS1] [WF2] .”

“And I’m not trying to get into a big machloychos with you,” Dishinstaller said, using the Hollywood-isms she learned in high school[JS3] [WF4] . “But I need operational control. You want I should all the time be a noodge?”

[JS1]Think you mmight need an index to explain these Yiddish words.

[WF2]I think the context makes it clear – or clear enough. I want this to have the feel of an inside joke.

[JS3]In NEBRASKA???????

[WF4]We do have foreign language study in America – believe it or not!

[JS4]NOT USUALLY YIDDISH

[WF5]Again, it’s a joke.

[JS5]I SHALL ASK MY JEWISH FRIENDS WHAT GONIF MEANS

[WF4]While you’re at it, ask them what a “yenta” is.

“Nnnnnghhhh, rrrrrrrr,” the president growled in this most private of moments. Then he said nothing, didn’t even breathe for many long seconds. His face passed through pale to blue, he gasped, his face turned magenta then, after a long and fluid[JS1] sound[WF2] that defied onomatopoeia, he regained his healthy flesh tone.

[JS1]Seems to contradict the effort involved…

[WF2]I am privileged to disagree with you.

[JS2]CURRY? STILL CANNOT EQUATE A LONG AND FLUID SOUND WITH THAT DEGREE OF STRAINING.

[WF3]You’re overthinking.

[JS3]WAS IT A MONDAY?

On one typical night, he lay in bed naked, his uniform hanging stiffly[JS1] [WF2] in the wardrobe

[JS1]naughty

[WF2]Your mind is in the gutter, Jayne. That’s not a complaint.

[JS2]ABSOLUTELY NOT. YOU SAID THAT USA HUMOUR DID NOT EXIST WITHOUT DICK JOKES.

[WF3]Hoist by my own petard!

[JS3]OH! A POINT TO ME …

“Don’t you know they’re endangered?” Barber heard the Market officer asked snootily[JS1] [WF2] .

[JS1]British?

[WF2]Defensive?

[JS2]WHY WOULD I BE? IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE A BRITISH EXPRESSION … IS ALL.

Croupier kept wondering if Veecey was even aware of PradaWorld’s most definitive institution.

[JS1]Might be too oblique for some readers

[WF2]I’m not committed to every reader getting every joke. It’s my hope that this book can be enjoyed on many levels.

[JS2] I WANT THEM TO LALUGH OUT LOUD.

“You know, Nashville is still a thriving city … and under our control. You could always …”

“Thanks, Griff, but I studied music history.

[JS1]Jim Reeves may be dead and won’t lie down (along with Broccoli Spears, Johnny Cash et al) but I think he would be hurt by this derisive observation!

[WF2]Fuck him. This is my favorite line in the whole book.

[JS2]POOR JIM.

“…Care to come with?”

[JS1]I thought it was only Seffricans [South Africans] who didn’t finish their sentences. When we first arrived here, I spent

Much time waiting for others to complete ‘ have you got…’, ‘are you going with…’ et al.

[WF2]Is it?

[JS2]EISH

Before entering the building, he knelt down and, softly pianissimo[JS1] , kissed[WF2] John Lennon’s star, still brightly polished and shining[JS3] centuries[WF4] after its emplacement.

[JS1]Had lots of softly, thought a musical term might slot in insead.

[WF2]Thanks. This plays!

[JS2]YOU ARE SO WELCOME

[JS3]Shining seemed to relate to ‘star’ more appropriately.

[WF4]Ditto

[JS4]ONLY A PLEASURE

Another stride took him past the star engraved to Garth Brooks.

[JS1]Had to look him up! Is there a more internationally known waste-of-space from TV?

[WF2]Gotta be Garth. Their stars really are right next to each other.

[JS2]OKEY DOKEY. MAYBE YOU CAN SLIDE IN A MENTION THAT THEY ARE SIDE BY SIDE.

His Excellency, President Justin Jeopardy, WholesaleLiquidatorsWorld’s favorite son had, very publicly, passed gas farted[JS1] [I2] .

[JS1]Why can’t you say farted?

[WF2]Yankee Puritanism. Farted it is.

[JS2]I DON’T BELIEVE YOU ARE A YANKEE PURITAN.

[WF3]I’m not. But thank you, limeys, for sending them all over here!

“…What? You don’t take Diner’s Club?”

[JS1]Most frustrated that there isn’t an apostrophe in Diners Club!

[WF2]If you’ve ever had to use a Diners Club card, you’d be even more frustrated.

The Age of Weenies.

[JS1]Is this another dick joke? I know weenies as slang for wieners, small children and … pricks.

[WF2]In the States, a weenie could be a dick reference, but more commonly just a useless individual. I’m open to changing this.

[JS2]NO NEED

That hadn’t occurred to Bertie, who took another shot of Beam and added, “Or Bob Uecker.”

[JS1]Wouldn’t that be spelled Lewinsky?

[WF2]Lewinsky. Kissinger. Always a bad idea for Jews to get down on their knees in the Oval Office.

Judging by the opulent décor of long-ago times and faraway lands, she was in one of the rooms named after one of the legends of the martial arts[JS1] [WF2] .

[JS1]Because he was ‘armless?

[WF2]Again, let’s remember who our narrator is: He’s a Domestic author writing a poplular history. He’s as dimwitted as all the other Domestics in this story. He never heard of Michelangelo the sculptor and painter. He has, however, heard of Michelangelo the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but isn’t fully aware that was just a cartoon.

[JS2] NOR WAS I TILL NOW … NEVER SEEN THE PROGRAMME, DON’T KNOW THE NAMES OF THE CHARACTERS….

“But Iman Appdev is the only one I have buggered boffed[JS1] [WF2] twice in one night and still want to bugger boff again. …”

[JS1]What did she think of that? Did she know/understand?!?!?

[WF2]So many synonyms. You pick.

[JS2]NOT SURE WHETHER YOU MEAN ANAL INTERCOURSE OR NOT. IF NOT : SCREWED ROGERED LAID POKED FUCKED SHAFTED

[WF3]Penetrated?

[JS3]TOO CLINICAL. ISN’T THERE AN AMERICAN EUPHAMISM FOR THIS? THERE MUST BE A COLLOQUIALISM THAT IS FUNNY AND GRAPHIC.

[WF4]Diddled?

[JS4]BONED? DICKED? BUMP AND GRIND? GOT MY ROCKS OFF? BANGED? BONKED? FORNICATED, YIN-YANGED, HORIZONTAL JOGGING, DUNKED MY DONUT?HUMPED, ENJOYED COPASETIC SEX(has Yiddish connections!) ZOOBED, STIFFIED, SCHLONGED.

[WF5]You obviously have much more experience at this than I do. Editing, I mean.

“… The second they see a percentage in it, they’ll be openin’ up another can of whoop[JS1] -ass[WF2] on you! …”

[JS1]Whip-ass?

[WF2]Don’t make me demonstrate.

[JS2] All them injuns a-whoopin and a-hollerin

Like a rare and valuable gem, the real Spice[JS1] [WF2] Pickfour was safely kept and rarely put on display.

[JS1]Shoulda made it Posh!

[WF2]She’s my favorite too, but tastes vary. That’s why there were 5 of them. (BTW, I was in the UK in ’97 when they launched. Amazing how obsessed y’all got!

“But we’ve seen it ourselves,” Bertie said and waxed mystical. “Scattered[JS1] about[WF2] , in their overturned war-machines, – dead! – slain by the putrefactive and disease bacteria against which their systems were unprepared.”

[JS1]LEAVING ‘ABOUT’ IN THE SENTENCE FRAGMENTS IT – MY COMPUTER GOES NUTTY AND WILL NOT ACCEPT

[WF2] I DIDN’T WRITE THIS! H.G. WELLS DID!

[JS2]DAFT TART, HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! YOU WILL HAVE TO LIST HIM IN THE CREDITS FOR THIS QUOTE. OTHERWISE IT IS PLAGIARISM.

[WF3]If Caroline or Joan weigh in on this, sure. But a) this is satire, which is an exemption from copyright; b) this is less than 600 words of a novel-length work, so Fair Use Doctrine is in play; and c) Wells is dead.

[JS3]YOU NEED TO MENTION THAT BERTIE WAS QUOTING H.G.W. – WAXED MYSTICAL A LA H.G. WELLS?

[WF4]Sweetie, Bertie *IS* HG Wells. You think his friends called him “HG”? I know it’s something of an inside joke, but the genre geeks will get it. (BTW, “Gene” as in Roddenberry)

[JS4]Regardless of reasons a, b and c it would be a courtesy to mention the source – I m sure you could make a humorous reference to history – albeit fictitious – repeating itself.